Best use of an X-Factor finalist in a West End musical:
I initially thought that there would only be one eligible nominee for this award, our dear old Shayne (or Shan-yay, as I like to call him), and the thought of having to nominate him for anything other than Act That’s Very Big In The Philippines (According To Louis Walsh) made me feel a bit nauseous. However, Pint-Sized Popstar™ Ray Quinn’s run in Dirty Dancing continued until July of this year, so I shall instead nominate him, and feel only slightly dirty about it.

Best female soliloquy:
Emma Pallant’s brilliant, beautiful, broken Seven Ages of Man in The Globe’s touring production of As You Like It - and the fact that I get to nominate it for best female soliloquy makes me grin like a loon.

Best male soliloquy:
This is a tough one. There are some really worthy nominees - James Garnon’s blistering turn as James I in Anne Boleyn; Jack Gordon’s heartbreaking flights of fancy in Tender Napalm; and Ben Lamb’s perfect, swooning, sighing Silvius in As You Like It; but I think I have to award it to a bit of an outside contender, purely because it was one of the most striking, still moments of theatre I saw all year: Alan Devally in Bound, reducing an entire audience to tears by describing something as simple and intimate as watching his wife do her hair. Beautiful.

Best supporting actor:
This is another toughie, but purely for taking a role which is often impossible to make work, this has to go to Phil Cumbus for Much Ado About Nothing. Not only was his Claudio sympathetic, he was by turns hilarious and heartbreaking, and managed to stand out in a cast headed up by two amazingly strong performances from Eve Best and Charles Edwards. \o/ #TeamCumberbus

Best supporting pillar:
Oh, this has to be a joint award for the pillars at The Globe, who, in 2011, have been clambered on by Benedick, attacked with great vigor by Parolles, and covered in fairly terrible poetry by Orlando. And they’re still standing proudly. Versatile AND talented (and they very rarely get in the way).

Best use of a toy duck:
The two rubber ducks who somehow snuck rather anachronistically into the Victoriana production of As You Like It.

The Frank L Baum prize for best portrayal of a friend of Dorothy:
Purely for the genius (and, I can’t lie, rather arousing) waltz, James Garnon as James I in Anne Boleyn.  Plus, the man can wear the hell out of a dress.

Best use of the new Bush Theatre:
That sleep-deprived occasion when, during the 24-hour version of 66 Books, someone (who shall remain nameless, but was NOT me) inadvertently hummed the Tiny Hamlet song in the presence of Tiny Hamlet, causing him to shoot her a most suspicious look.

Most stalkable actor of the year:
I don’t even need to think about this one. While there may be actors who seem to turn up everywhere we go, there’s only one who actively and enthusiastically facilitates said stalking, and that is Mr Gunnar Cauthery, cross-faced (not-)ginger and delightful tart extraordinaire. I can provide very thorough proof if required. Though it would probably embarrass us both if I were to do so.

(Gif included for no other reason than it continues to make me laugh every single time I see it, and also because Rob captioned it with “pictured here having just spotted an incoming emslj”, which made me laugh even more. Of course, if it were in fact the case, he wouldn’t be such a deserving winner of this award…!)

Most stalkable actress of the year:
It’s concerning that I feel the need to point out that I genuinely wouldn’t actually stalk anyone, but lo, such is my life. Anyway, I did not stalk any actresses, but I did bump into Cassidy Janson four times in the Southwark Playhouse toilets, so she probably thinks that I did. Oh dear.

Most stalkable actor in a dress of the year:

Oh, who’s this? Could that be Mr Cauthery again? I believe it is! And, as if to prove my point, who uploaded this photograph on to Twitter? Why yes, that would indeed be the man himself! #suchatart

The Fred Bassett award for saddest eyes:
How can you possibly ask me to choose between Phil Cumbus and John Heffernan? Oh God. It’s like Sophie’s Choice. Only SADDER. Okay. Okay. I’ve got to go with my gut (and my heart <3) and vote for John Heffernan (in both The Last of the Duchess and Emperor and Galilean), if only because of the beautiful way the tears cling to his eyelashes. Sigh.

Best play:
Tender Napalm at the Southwark Playhouse. I was lucky enough to see some astonishingly good, lovely, joyful, heartbreaking, astonishing, moving things this year, but this was the one that combined all of those elements to create a thoroughly surprising and wonderful whole.

Best musical:
Company at the Southwark Playhouse. I saw this almost as many times as I saw As You Like It, and enjoyed it just as much every time. Vibrant, lively, sparky - just an absolute joy to watch.

Best design:
Both The Kitchen and Emperor and Galilean at The National were completely and utterly amazing, as one would expect from that theatre, and War Horse blew me away with its technical mastery, but my number one visual moment of the year was the rising of the boat in I Am The Wind at the Young Vic, so it has to be that; it was simple but striking, and nothing else made me gasp out loud.

Most blatant waste of taxpayers’ money:
I was very lucky not to see any real stinkers this year, so I can happily abstain from this award (though, if First Great Western still receive any government grants, I nominate them, because Jesus Christ, they are the worst trains I have ever travelled on).

Best forearms:
(Otherwise entitled the Emma Holland Award for Best Forearms.) As a Forearms Enthusiast and Expert, I can confirm that this award belongs to only one person, and that person is Mr Jamie Parker, forearms-bearer extraordinaire. Naturally, he wins for this year’s appearance in Racing Demon, in which he employed said forearms in a rather compelling bout of sexy praying, amongst other things, but unfortunately I don’t have photographic evidence. But you can imagine it, I’m sure, and I can assure you that they’re thoroughly worthy winners. I mean, just LOOK at them.

And he knows it (and Sam Crane agrees):

Jamie Parker: Greatest Forearms of All Time. Fact.